I Need Help (Relationships)

NylonPantFan

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Jan 9, 2011
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I'm not a social guy, I have no friends really. Those of you who didn't meet your other at a party or other type of social event, where did you? I want to know where I can meet a woman and how.

 

Lyrch3451

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I'm a social person but don't do bars or clubs. I met my wife through an online dating website.

 

NylonPantFan

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I'm a social person but don't do bars or clubs. I met my wife through an online dating website.

Ok, yeah, that's what I'm doing now. I've registered to plentyoffish, but none of women I send messages to, ever reply. I am now trying match.com. I've already recieved a few clicks. 

 

severin678

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It's a long, slow road man. I've been pretty fortunate to meet a lot of great people at bars and through work, but the absolute deal breaker I've found with meeting women is a lack of confidence. Being too self conscious is the real killer - think of it this way; would you want to be with someone who is too worried about what you'd think of them to conduct a meaningful conversation with you? The same holds true of the person you're looking to connect with. So I'd suggest first figuring out what it really is that you feel like you're missing being alone (not just sex - something more like talking about literature, some kind of athletic activity, video games, etc) and really exploring that. The dating websites are great for finding hookups or whatever (as are sex workers - don't scoff before considering seriously whether or not that's really just what you want), but you have to remember that people are people. Life is long, and there a lots of long periods of boredom that people are looking for someone who shares enough similar interests to kill that boredom with - the kicker is picking out what things you're most passionate about that you most want to pass your time talking about/doing with someone else. Once you find a forum, or express your desires clearly enough on dating sites or with people you already know or work with, that kind of thing naturally falls in place. It's sounds trite, but find yourself and then be yourself - don't put on airs, because that's immediately sniffed out innately by others and just as quickly perceived as a lack of self-confidence.

It also doesn't hurt if you're physically fit, sadly - but that said, I've been plump for most of my life and what keeps my self confidence up (which, again, is innately picked up upon) is distance running and biking. Both things are super cheap to do, and provided you don't drink as much beer as me, it'll pretty much force you to become thin regardless of what you eat. Though I would caution to start slow (Hal Higdon's half marathon training plans are a great start).

Anyway, hope that helps!

 

UmbroGuy14

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Severin678 has a lot of good points and wise advice.  I've found that every person's journey and life is different, but there are some very basic human conditions that we all have, and one of those is "to love and to be love", and the other one is "the need for acceptance."

As for finding people and attempting to answer your questions, I'll do a bit to tell  you my story, and hopefully you can take some bits that resonate with you.

I've never had luck with online dating.  I've had plenty of dates, an occasional hook up, and a couple small relationships that didn't last, but none of the truly substantial relationships I've had have come about through online dating.  I tried free ones, pay ones, and the results were all negligible.  Now, other people will tell you exactly the opposite; some people have had great luck, some have found their wive/husband online, etc, etc.  So, results from online dating will vary!  I found a huge component to dating was where I lived and the type of people around me.

Now, I think the wisest thing I did whilst single was make a huge list of what I wanted in another person.  See, we all put the same things: funny, smart, good looking, honest...blah, blah, blah.  But I mean, make a specific list.  I got to 50 criteria on my list.  It wasn't easy, and after about 10 things, I kinda stalled out, so it took a while and I really had to wrack my brain.  I did different categories, like Personality, Physique, Likes/Dislikes, Lifestyle, Sexual Compatibility, etc. 

The whole process felt rather self-centered and superficial, but here's the catch.  It gave me a gauge for when I met someone to really and truly know how compatible we were, AND it gave me some goals with which to live my life.  If I wanted someone to be fit, then I'd better be fit as well.  If I wanted someone who had a good relationship with their family, then I had better have a good relationship with mine.  And the whole works...they need to be confident, then I had to be confident, and all the way through that list.  It basically gave me a compass with which to live my life; if I wanted to date someone truly fantastic, then I had to be fantastic as well!

The other bit for me (that was insanely hard to do) was to simply and truly not mind being single.  I'm dating someone now, going on 3 years, but I has single (by and large) for 10 years before meeting her.  Plus, I didn't even intend to meet her!  I was in grad school and wrapped up with the university.   But, I really believe a huge part for me was what I did during those 10 years.  I looked at myself in a very critical way and focused on personal change and growth.  It wasn't easy, but the payoff was good! 

I really hope this helps!  If you have any questions or other bits, just let me know!  You'll be fantastic!

 

NylonPantFan

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 9, 2011
Messages
620
It's a long, slow road man. I've been pretty fortunate to meet a lot of great people at bars and through work, but the absolute deal breaker I've found with meeting women is a lack of confidence. Being too self conscious is the real killer - think of it this way; would you want to be with someone who is too worried about what you'd think of them to conduct a meaningful conversation with you? The same holds true of the person you're looking to connect with. So I'd suggest first figuring out what it really is that you feel like you're missing being alone (not just sex - something more like talking about literature, some kind of athletic activity, video games, etc) and really exploring that. The dating websites are great for finding hookups or whatever (as are sex workers - don't scoff before considering seriously whether or not that's really just what you want), but you have to remember that people are people. Life is long, and there a lots of long periods of boredom that people are looking for someone who shares enough similar interests to kill that boredom with - the kicker is picking out what things you're most passionate about that you most want to pass your time talking about/doing with someone else. Once you find a forum, or express your desires clearly enough on dating sites or with people you already know or work with, that kind of thing naturally falls in place. It's sounds trite, but find yourself and then be yourself - don't put on airs, because that's immediately sniffed out innately by others and just as quickly perceived as a lack of self-confidence.

It also doesn't hurt if you're physically fit, sadly - but that said, I've been plump for most of my life and what keeps my self confidence up (which, again, is innately picked up upon) is distance running and biking. Both things are super cheap to do, and provided you don't drink as much beer as me, it'll pretty much force you to become thin regardless of what you eat. Though I would caution to start slow (Hal Higdon's half marathon training plans are a great start).

Anyway, hope that helps!

Well, obviously I do *need* sex. I can't even remember what making out is like. I also want to change my life. My life is dull and I'm interested in getting involved and trying things out that another woman is into.

 

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